“Rehashing old hurts is like watching the same movie over and over, hoping for a different ending. It’s not going to happen! Learn from it and move on. You don’t drown by falling into the water, you drown by staying there.” I don’t know the source of this quote (a friend sent it to me), but it’s an awesome thought. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. It’s human nature to get stuck, but we don’t have to stay stuck. I’ve learned to pray every day for two weeks for anyone I resent, that they receive in their lives what I want in mine. I keep it simple: “May she receive joy and the roots of joy.” That exercise keeps me from slip-sliding out of the moment, where my life is happening, right here, right now. Forgiveness has to factor in, also. Theoretically, once I’ve forgiven someone, I shouldn’t have to do it again. If the resentment comes back, then the forgiveness wasn’t complete. For today, I’m content to make forgiveness a process not an event. And, maybe, to forgive myself for not being better at forgiveness!

A friend gave me a wonderful piece of advice: She suggested I try a 21 day spending fast, where I buy only what I need. Because I am so sick of worrying about money, I decided to give it a try. What a liberation! In some really deep way, my commitment to asking myself, “Do I really need this?” slows me down to make mindful decisions about what I’m about to do, whether it’s put a dollar in the subway musicians basket, spend 7.99 on a salmon fillet or go away for a weekend in Cape May. Slowing down to discern whether I’m experiencing a need rather than a want allows me to feel more deeply that my needs are being met. Repeatedly discerning a need, then saying “yes” to it is so powerful! It overrides any sense of rebellion about not going for what I want. It also means that I’m seeing the freedom of not thinking the answer to all my problems is more, more more. I have enough, I do enough, I am enough! Such a simple exercise. So powerful! I’m going to keep doing it. The mental clarity is such a grace!

I think the compulsive overeater/food addict’s deepest terror, the nothing’s-ever-enough panic, is fueled by a horrible sense of deprivation, that she’ll never get what she needs. Very primal; probably related both to how we were born–a tendency to self-medicate–and how we were treated–raised by wounded people who hadn’t had their own needs met and who didn’t know how to meet ours. When we understand how to get our needs met, the terror subsides, and we can have a happy, useful life.

There are a lot of ways it’s a pain being a stubborn, willful person, but I’ll tell you it can also be an asset. If I direct all that energy to finding and following healthy ways to grow and live as fully as possible, that’s all to the good. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to do it all today. I can’t control what comes at me out of the blue. But I can set boundaries for myself and others, around my food and everything else, from what I commit to doing with and for others to how much sleep I get. One day at a time. Some days it’s easier than others. Some days I get to soar. Other days, the best motto is, “Right foot, left foot, breathe.”