Monthly Archives: August 2012

Getting God to Answer

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The one who made the flower made me and thee.

When I am honestly in quest of the true truths, not succumbing to the crap my monkey mind churns out, I dialog in my journal with God. I do not do this nearly often enough, but when I do, it can really be wonderful. Like a conversation, even.

I should tell you I don’t have the kind of HP who jumps in front of me with visions and things. I have friends who say they receive insights and direction this way and I believe them. I am also aware that my HP knows visions would freak me out, so instead gives me clues. These are not feathers or leaves gently floating into my face just when I’m asking for a message from heaven. They’re not pennies that show up in odd spots at right times the way they do for Dear Abby readers.

My HP is more subtle.  When I get guidance, it tends to be an intense, cool, calm sensation of power and clarity below thought and feeling, directly under my breast bone. These sensations can, however, be subject to interpretation, and require that I sit still to receive them. I have trouble with this.

So sometimes, like I said, when the brain is more or less in place and fitting properly, I actually think to ask in writing what I need to know. And often the answers just come as I write along. Some random examples culled from the last few weeks’ journals:

Gay: How many mistakes are too many?

God: Try and find out. All mistakes are forgivable. Humans are innately good. If you have done evil, it’s because you have moved away from the source of good. When you move back into the light, all will be well.

Gay: How much work is enough?

God: You have to do what you have to do. You can only do what you can do. (I first heard this from a friend when we were sharing a cube and I was overwhelmed and freaking out. God is happy to use anything and everything to deliver a message. HP also doesn’t seem to mind having to repeat things. Which is good because I seem to be a slow learner on some of this stuff.)

Gay: Where is the money?

God: Do you have what you need? (God sometimes talks like a shrink.)

Gay: How much am I allowed to have?

God: As much as you need.

Gay: But I feel guilty.

God: Keeping yourself poor in body, mind and spirit does not help people who are poor. Nor does taking excess beyond your needs. You are not a princess. (Ouch!) You are not a pauper. (Yay!)

Gay: What is my right work?

God: What do you want to do?

Gay: What do you want me to do?

God: I created you as you. You are Gay. Be Gay. (Now God’s sounding like my mom. How come moms and God never tell you what that means?????)

Gay: What is death?

God: (Silence.)

Gay: Why won’t you tell me?

God:  I will.

Gay: When?

God: Not now.

Gay: Sometimes I hate you.

God: I know.

Gay: Aren’t you going to smite me?

God: Nope. I’m over that. (God has a sense of humor. I hope. Right. Hmmm. Maybe I should ask?)

Gay: Do you have a sense of humor?

God: Kangaroo.

Gay: Right. Thanks.

God: You’re welcome.

Gay: Seriously?

God: Seriously.

 

Love God, Do What You Want

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Freedom is wanting what you need.

Say what? First time I heard this saying, I thought, Whoa, now this is getting scary. But I thought about it some more. And some more.

Then I put it away for awhile and let it season. Meanwhile, I continued my usual clunky, woefully imperfect prayer and meditation practices.

And lo and behold I began to see the simple wisdom of aligning myself with all that’s good in the universe, then going ahead and doing what my own personal desire was telling me.

It’s simple, really. If I am living in the light, what I want will be what’s best for all.

Years ago I had a spiritual director, Kathy Duffy. I was having such a hard time. Could not see, feel or experience God, try as I might. I could sometimes take in miracles around me, and I knew enough to make a gratitude list whenever I was in a funk.

But I just wasn’t sure where this personal higher power I’d been hearing about was. I knew it was not some bearded white guy in a robe in the sky. (That had to be a notion invented by bearded white guys. Seriously. If God was any kind of guy at all, which seemed doubtful to me, he probably was a cool swarthy dude who looked more like my husband.) Kathy  explained that I am closest to God when I am most myself. As in, Gay-God, God-Gay.

Well, as my Dad would have said, how ‘bout them apples?

I experimented. Probably because I come from Puritan stock, or maybe because I still fear being sent to the principal’s office more than death itself, I didn’t go crazy. Which is good, because loving God and doing what you want does not mean a free-for-all.

What I learned is that I’ve got to keep checking in. Otherwise that other critter, the will, will take over. The Gay-Will, Will-Gay.  The one who says, let’s have lunch now, though it’s 10:30 in the morning and I have work to do.  The one who tells me it’s okay to stay up till all hours watching Tom Selleck in Jesse Stone on Netflix. The one who leaps before she looks and speaks before she thinks.  Nope. Gay-Will is just not an okay guide. She’s too connected to venal desires, not spiritual wants.

Instead, I have to keep going back to the source. I have to sustain the relationship with that part of myself that’s good and wise. Respect and hear her. That way, we’ll all sleep better at night.

Which means that today’s assignment, and I do choose to accept it, is to receive and give love. And then, go ahead and do what I want.

Make sense? What about you? How’s the whole God/will/wants thing working for you?