Monthly Archives: May 2014

My Amazing New Teacher

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She’s bold.. She’s shy. She’s quirky. And she’s been hiding in plain sight.

For the last several years I’ve been a bit at sea in my spiritual journey.

Yes, I was blessed with peer support groups where people use kumbaya language generously and uncynically. Yes, I was blessed with friends who will share their soul journey and hear about mine with respect and kindness.

And it was good.

But still I craved that certain someone. A teacher, a pal, a coach, a counselor, a guru a little (or a lot) farther along the in the journey, to help me on my way.

I’ve noticed in my reading over the years in different faith traditions that there are a lot of common themes. One of them is, do not go this journey alone. My own intuition informs and supports that wisdom. You hear about so many people who go off the rails listening to some call that turns out not to have been in anyone’s best interest. This, I think, is how cults get formed. In the extreme, it can define psychosis.

My friend Karen used to tell the story of how when she was first trying to access the higher power she wanted for a better, healthier life, she meditated for hours every day. And one day in during the mediation, she saw the entire next day. A sort of movie of everything. When the next day actually unfolded exactly as she had seen in her meditation, it freaked her out. She joined Unity and there met a kindly couple who became her spiritual mentors.

For about a decade, I had a spiritual director, someone whose role it was to talk to about what I was thinking, feeling and doing to feed and fuel my soul, achieve richer fuller health, and be of some use on the planet. Our relationship was nurturing and helpful, but ran its course.

But I’m still on the path. What to do? I asked and asked the universe to send me my next teacher.

And a few days ago, during my morning meditation, she finally arrived: She is me! I was so busy consuming self-help books and courses and ideas that I hadn’t allowed myself any time to assimilate them.

For years, I’ve heard that we each have everything inside that we need. The answers are there and all.  I sort of knew  what people were talking about, but I just couldn’t settle down and listen.

Time to do that, my new teacher said!

Let’s be clear about one thing, though. The me we are talking about here is not my ego or my willfulness—what some might call the lower self.

No. We’re talking about the higher self. The part of me that’s totally plugged into the greater whole. What some might call God. What Elizabeth Gilbert calls the God that lives in me, as me.

That’s the me who’s my new teacher.

Who am I to say "no" to royalty???

Who am I to say “no” to royalty???

So this teacher? She’s given me my first assignment: Slow down and listen. Just listen. Don’t run away from anything. Don’t push toward anything. Just listen. Amazing! Thanks, Teach!

 

 

Joyblog: What Makes You Say Yes?

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Trick question! In an ideal world, nothing but a gun to my head (God forbid! So far, this has

never happened, Amen.) can make me say yes.

In this ideal world, my yeses are all choices thoughtfully  arrived at and mindfully delivered.spikey one

But this, you may have noticed, is the real world.

And in this real world, I say yes to a lot of things. Yes to watching TV when I really need to get to bed. Yes to the phone when it rings when I really, really don’t want to talk to anyone right now. Yes to a person or organization’s request or demand that may or may not be best for all concerned. But do I stop and think before yesing?

I do not.

And I would like to. Because too many mindless yesses mean fewer true yesses. Yes to a helping someone who doesn’t truly require my help or has other resources, that robs another area where I might serve more fully. Yes when I really want to say no means snapping resentfully at someone and then, sigh, having to make amends. Again. Yes when I’m tired and need to go to bed means I wake up blue and slow.

Are we sensing a theme here?

I’ve decided I need more yesses to myself, fewer to others, and those more carefully processed. This self I’m thinking of, it’s not the small self, the one that wants greasy grilled cheese when crispy baked tofu is on the menu or wants to lie down and be a doormat just so someone will smile.

Nope. This yes is to my higher self, the one who’s connected to and part of the eternal power, the great source, the infinite energy, the father/mother creator.

I know people who says yes because they don’t know how to say no. I am that person still, more often than I’d like. I lose myself sometimes to the wrong yesses. I’m not unusual. This is addict behavior and I’m a recovering food addict.

When we say yes to people because we  feel beholden, obliged, like no one will like us if we don’t accede to someone’s demands, we move away from our higher self. When we say yes to substances and behaviors not in our best interest, we pollute our bodies and minds, and lose effectiveness, sometimes totally.

From there comes extreme loneliness, not to mention inability to function at peak powers in real life. Worst case, early death of mind, spirit and body.

Saying yes when you need to say no is dangerous. So how about we all just slow down a little, think longer and feel more what our higher self says?

Prayer and meditation help here.

Saying yes it a higher, deeper, greater power, well, that’s a yes that cannot hurt and can only help. When we do this, we are fueled and operating from clarity, safety and strength. That’s something we can say yes to, can’t we? Yes? Sure! Yes!

More guidelines for when, where and how to say yes–and no–in my book The Hungry Ghost: How I Ditched 100 Pounds and Came Fully Alive. 

You’re Not the Boss of Me!

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I love to learn, but I hate being told what to do. I don’t like being stuck, but I am violetsDSC00122determined to do it my way. I love people who are smart and wise, who love me and have a lot to offer, but I sometimes brush aside their suggestions without considering them fairly.

Are we sensing a theme here?

That I’m strong-willed is a given. Stubborn? You bet! I’m so stubborn, I regard the word a compliment! Because I know that the other side of stubbornness is tenacity. I’ve managed to accomplish a fair amount inside myself, in my relationships and in the world by sticking to my ideals and principles come hell or high water and mashing forward.

I’m not saying I’m a total blockhead. I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way; there’s a limit to how many times you can butt your head before you go a different way!) a thing or two about flexibility, ambiguity, the limitations of right vs. wrong thinking, and how talking to a stubborn person can feel to someone else. I have learned to soften my gaze, push less, breathe more, listen better, have a tiny bit more patience.

But too often there is a two-year-old inside me jumping up and down yelling, “You’re not the boss of me!”

And I’m starting to really, really feel, right down to my bones, how this is not always helpful. Right now, as I build my practice as author, editor and coach, I am blessed with a many kind, gifted mentors, teachers and guides. And there is still something in me that really wants to push back when they offer suggestions. I’m not talking about outlandish ideas. These folks may give me feedback that doesn’t fit; that’s going to happen. Take it or leave it is real. But they’re offering  thoughts that are always intended for my benefit, often quite excellent, sometimes brilliant.

I do listen. I even follow through a lot.

But I sure wish this toddler would settle down. And here’s what I’m seeing: She does settle down when I fully respect that this is her life, honor that she doesn’t have to do it alone and get really serious about the fact that outside help isn’t enough.

Older, wiser Gay has to take Toddler Gay to that private, personal well for a long, cool drink, then a great big hug. It’s not enough just to listen to outsiders. I have to show up every single day, with diligence (dare I say stubbornness) and listen to my own personal insider teacher, guide and mentor. When I am more open to me, I am more open to you.

When I do go to the well, Toddler Gay can relax, run and play. And Grown Up Gay can move into her day with dignity, power and grace.

 

There are more helpful  insights from my bumpy journey in my new book The Hungry Ghost: How I Ditched 100 Pounds and Came Fully Alive.  

 

Fun with Friends!

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A couple of Sundays ago I had a ton of fun speaking to the friendly folks the Unitariangay at lectern 4-14-2 Universalist meetinghouse near me in Lincroft, New Jersey. The title of the talk was “Your Food, Your Spirit: Clearing Worldly Obstacles to Soul Growth,” based on my new book The Hungry Ghost: How I Ditched 100 Pounds and Came Fully Alive.

I’m so grateful to my friend Jo Grazide  (who took all these photos) for introducing me with such kindness and generosity.  And to all the folks who showed up, listened eagerly, laughed at all the right places and asked really good questions at the end.gay edelman talk at uucmc 4-14-8

What was really satisfying was seeing how well my experience recovering from food addiction translates into larger things like slowing down, listening to one another and our higher power, and generally being a kind, more caring person.

Because when it gets right down to it, whether I’m using food, drugs, alcohol, TV, gambling, etc., to avoid being present in my life, I’m not having my life. I’m not present to myself or the people I love and serve. As the sub title of The Hungry Ghost says, our goal is not just weight loss or cessation of hurtful distractions, but complete freedom! Now there’s a universal purpose for you!

gay edelman talk at uucmc 4-14-6

gay edelman talk at uucmc 4-14-7

Take the Forgiveness Challenge

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sunriseForgiveness is foundational. Resentments fester, breed and cause no end of trouble inside me, in relationships, communities, the world. When we ruminate on wrongs done us (real, or perceived through the lense of past hurts), we are not fully present in our lives. When we are not fully present in our lives, we do not have our lives. We are not fully operational.

Not having my life makes me the walking dead.

And that is no way to live.

Forgiveness is an incredible act of courage, says  Reverend Mpho Tuto, author with her father, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, of the new book, The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World. 

Three words, “I am sorry.” Very difficult, she says eloquently in this Huffington Post video interview.  

Absolutely necessary. Vital. Primal. Liberating.

Healing. That’s what it’s about.

I remember the following thoughts, particularly when I’m feeling balky, pissed and vengeful. I’m going feel these things. I’m human. But I can choose a better way.

  • Forgiving isn’t forgetting. It’s remembering and letting go. I become strong at the broken places when I forgive.
  • Serious self-care is required as part of self-forgiveness. I cannot draw water from an empty well. Quiet time. Healthy food. Gentle activity. Creativity and self-expression. Nature. Massage. Loving connection with others and my higher power. Play.
  • Using a mantra or inner chant prevents my wild mind from poking at old wounds. Try: I forgive myself for hurting myself. I forgive others for hurting me. I forgive myself for hurting others.
  • Staying away from blaming others keeps me safe from future resentments.
  • Lowering expectations also prevents resentments. An expectation is a planned resentment.
  • Slowing down keeps me less stressed. When I’m less stressed, I’m kinder, more centered, more forgiving.
  • I only have to do this for this day. This moment.

And to really live what I believe, I’m joining the Tutus in their Global Forgiveness Challenge. I have no idea what I’ll be asked to do, but I have confidence that the gentleman who guided South Africa to start its healing can help the rest of us. Sign up at http://forgivenesschallenge.com/  See you there!