Woke up bluer than blue yesterday. You know. Unemployment. Loss. Winter. Mama didn’t love me right so now I don’t know how to love me right.

Called a friend for support and we talked about the D words. Disappointment. Dismay. Despair. Despondency. Disgust. Etc.

But we didn’t stop there. I am not responsible for much of what has happened to me and in my in my life, but I do need to step up to embrace those things that will help me heal. For that, I am accountable.

I don’t have to approach this with aggression, however. Aggression feels like punishment, and punishment for negativity just creates more negativity. I cannot bully myself into cheering up, moving on, healing hurts.

But I can choose a new, kinder, gentler way of thinking and being. Direction for my life, a new friend suggested, has to come not from GOOD IDEAS but from GOD IDEAS. I always strive to be an instrument of God’s peace and love. I see now I need to do some work to fine tune my instrument.

So here’s the plan: I’m putting myself on a 30-day retreat. I am going to ease up on the financial freak out–worry is not an income-producing activity in any case–and spend as much time as natural and right in prayer and meditation to discern what’s the God idea for me.

Primarily my retreat is an attitude shift, a gentling of how I approach my day. It could mean a couple hours a day in silence. Or a day a week in silence. Or going over to the Quaker meetinghouse to be quiet, by myself, with no interruptions. Certainly it means that in addition to taking time daily for prayer and meditation, which I always do, I will GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO DO SO. Heck, I’ll accept the necessity and embrace the joy of the obligation!

Panic will not bring me another job. Stress does not heal grief. Anger at how past wounds intrude on the present doesn’t heal the hurt or serve present-day needs. All those negative “D” words, they are real, but not as real is the main “D” word: Delight. Delight in the fact that I am lovable, and my higher power has a plan for me. I just don’t know what it is yet.

So for today, I’m going to honor the need to heal, learn and grow at my own pace, and not be bullied by all those D’s. Amen.

Give love, get love, give love, get love. Photo courtesy digital art http://bit.ly/iHE9B8

Happy Valentine’s Day to me! Happy Valentine’s Day to me! This is my new deal: Radical self-love. Extreme self-nurture. I believe our true nature is joy. Doesn’t the delight of a sunrise, a baby’s smile, a hug, a beautiful work of art, a job well-done, a sincere compliment given or received, a gorgeous rose, doesn’t that feel more real and true than trouble and tragedy?

Maybe you’ll disagree. To which I say, yes, we’re hard-wired as a species to feel the depths of trouble. To worry, stress, fret, weep and grieve. And even to wallow. (Then there’s the whole thing about meanness and cruelty, to which I can only say, hurt people hurt people.) It was, after all, the scaredy-cat cave people who survived the saber-tooth tiger to reproduce and send their genes down to us. The cave guy who went along not paying attention, lla-di-da, well, he got eaten, right?

However. When I settle down into quiet, sitting or lying very still, listening to my breath, using one technique or another (focusing on breath; listening to guided imageries; repeating a good word like “peace” or a phrase like “thy will be done”; saying the 23rd Psalm or the Lord’s Prayer or the Serenity Prayer), when I do that, once in awhile I get down to what I experience as a really deep, subtle tickle. A quiet little deep laughing. A kind of inner vibration that says, “This is who you are! Sing! Dance! Rejoice! Relish and enjoy! This is your truth, your strength, your only reality! This is who you are!

And I believe that still, small, happy voice. I know people whose meditations are so radical they feel they’re one with God. I’m not there yet.

But I know one day I will be. So, to clear the path, I act as if I’m there, and I greet myself with kind thoughts and treat myself with compassionate actions. That way, I have a really nice day, and clear the way for the love I feel for YOU to come right, straight through.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you! Happy Valentine’s Day to you! May you receive joy and the roots of joy.

Credit where credit is due: I recently heard the term radical self-love from my new friend Ann Thomas, a spiritual life coach and author of 101 Affirmations for Radical Self-Love.  I met her at a woman’s networking meeting where she positively glowed with the truth of her book’s message. Learn more about Ann’s work at Evolvinggoddess.com.

The extreme self-nurture notion came to me while listening to a share from a different friend who was leading another support group aimed at healing the love-deprived among us. She chooses to remain anonymous, but the message is potent just the same. Thanks, M! You know who you are!