Woke up bluer than blue yesterday. You know. Unemployment. Loss. Winter. Mama didn’t love me right so now I don’t know how to love me right.

Called a friend for support and we talked about the D words. Disappointment. Dismay. Despair. Despondency. Disgust. Etc.

But we didn’t stop there. I am not responsible for much of what has happened to me and in my in my life, but I do need to step up to embrace those things that will help me heal. For that, I am accountable.

I don’t have to approach this with aggression, however. Aggression feels like punishment, and punishment for negativity just creates more negativity. I cannot bully myself into cheering up, moving on, healing hurts.

But I can choose a new, kinder, gentler way of thinking and being. Direction for my life, a new friend suggested, has to come not from GOOD IDEAS but from GOD IDEAS. I always strive to be an instrument of God’s peace and love. I see now I need to do some work to fine tune my instrument.

So here’s the plan: I’m putting myself on a 30-day retreat. I am going to ease up on the financial freak out–worry is not an income-producing activity in any case–and spend as much time as natural and right in prayer and meditation to discern what’s the God idea for me.

Primarily my retreat is an attitude shift, a gentling of how I approach my day. It could mean a couple hours a day in silence. Or a day a week in silence. Or going over to the Quaker meetinghouse to be quiet, by myself, with no interruptions. Certainly it means that in addition to taking time daily for prayer and meditation, which I always do, I will GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO DO SO. Heck, I’ll accept the necessity and embrace the joy of the obligation!

Panic will not bring me another job. Stress does not heal grief. Anger at how past wounds intrude on the present doesn’t heal the hurt or serve present-day needs. All those negative “D” words, they are real, but not as real is the main “D” word: Delight. Delight in the fact that I am lovable, and my higher power has a plan for me. I just don’t know what it is yet.

So for today, I’m going to honor the need to heal, learn and grow at my own pace, and not be bullied by all those D’s. Amen.